In this Issue
Feature ArticleRelationships of Possession
by Kim olver
Workshops
If you approach relationship challenges with the attitude there is something
to learn..."
Layne and Paul Cutright, Straight From the Heart
Book Review
Spirit-Centered
Relationships..
by Gay Hendricks & Kathlyn Hendricks
Relationship Q&A
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Upcoming
Events
Click on title of class for more information and to register or visit
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
ALL TIMES IN EST
Inside Out Ongoing Mastermind Group, offered the second Tuesday of every month. Anyone can join in to learn about the process of IOE, Inside Out Empowerment and how it can open your heart, free your mind and transform your life.
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All teleconferences are one (1) hour in length unless otherwise stated and all you need is a telephone. When you register we will send you a phone number that you will call five minutes prior to the start of your teleconference. You will have the opportunity to ask questions, but if you prefer to just listen that’s all right too. You do not need a computer or Internet, only a telephone. Don’t delay. There are a limited number of slots available.
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The following teleconferences
are FREE (except the parenting teleconference series)
Click on the link for a full description and to register
Stress Management
July 15 , 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Feeling stressed?Life getting to you? Then you need this teleconference. Learn how to de-stress with Choice Theory. Choice Theory states that all behavior is purposeful. Believe it or not, stress is a choice and you can choose not to be stressed! Learn how in this free teleconference.
Relationships from the Inside Out
July 29, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Learn the skills you need to create the relationship you deserve. Learn about the seven deadly relationship habits and how to replace them with loving and caring habits. Start improving that relationship you have with your signifcant other by registering for this amazing class today.
Time Management
August 19, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Ever wished you could have some extra time in your day? We all know that's not possible but it is possible to learn to maximize each moment so you can get everything out of your day you want. Join me on the teleconference where I will teach you some time-tested techniques to do just that!
Empowerment Parenting
August 26, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.
Goal Setting & Attainment
October 1, 2008
Offered at two times for your convenience:
3:00 - 4:00 p.m. EST
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Are you serious about attaining your goals next year? Do you want to do more than make a New Year's Resolution that you forget by the time the Super Bowl is on television? Join me on the free teleconference to learn my time-tested 7-Step process for Goal Attainment. We will do more than set goals--we will discuss a system to implement that will exponentially increase your opportunity for success. Also, my Goal Attainment System is multi-faceted. You won't just be focusing your attention on your career goals unless you want to. My system has you take a look at all areas of your life so you can accomplish an optimal work/life balance for you. There is nothing to lose but an hour of your time and so much to gain. Let's make this your best year yet!
Empowerment Parenting: You cannot continue to parent your older children the way you did when they were Attend this teleconference series and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.
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Foster Parenting Teleconference Series
Six (6) Week
Teleconference Series
September 16 -
October 21, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 EST
Six (6) Week teleseries. Click on link for more information or to purchase.
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Chats
All times listed in EST
Kim will be available in her chat room for questions and dialog on the following dates and times:
All Chats are from
7:30 - 8:30 p.m. EST
July 15, 2008
July 22, 2008
July 29, 2008
August 5, 2008
August 12, 2008
August 19, 2008
Inside Out
Personal Edition
“You can't change the direction of the wind. . .
but you can adjust your sails!”
---Jimmy Dean
Kim Olver, MS, NCC, LPC
www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
Kim@TheRelationshipCenter.biz
July 12, 2008 - Volume 4, Issue 6
This Month's Feature
Relationships from the Inside Out
July 29, 2008
8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST
Learn the skills you need to create the relationship you deserve. Learn about the seven deadly relationship habits and how to replace them with loving and caring habits. Start improving that relationship you have with your signifcant other by registering for this amazing class today.
A Message from Kim
Last month, I had the privilege of attending an awesome self-development conference co-sponsored by Mishka Productions and Oprah & Friends called, "Celebrate Your Life." It was filled with excellent speakers, delivering excellent information. All were authors and spiritual teachers of some sort. It was a very energetic and introspective time. Mishka Productions puts on this conference twice a year--once in June in Chicago and once in November in Phoenix. If you have the opportunity to attend, I would highly recommend it. It was reasonably priced and the quality of presentations was outstanding.
This month's ezine is about couple relationships. I ran into someone who told me that his belief is "anyone who needs to see a counselor about his or her relationship has no right being in one"! I was rather surprised by that sentiment to say the least. I have worked with many individuals and couples who have everything together in all areas of their life but just need an objective third party to help them navigate a difficult time in their lives. I also know people who keep repeating the same behavior patterns in relationships and want to uncover the subconscious sabotage that brings these relationships into his or her life. I also know couples who desperately love each other but don't seem to understand how to show that love to their partner in a way the partner can understand. All of these are great reasons to seek counseling or relationship coaching.
One of the problems I see is that often couples wait until their relationship has deteriorated so far that if is often difficult to salvage the relationship. I see my chiropractor every three months. I go for what I call a tune-up. I want to do preventative maintenance so I don't have anything seriously wrong and have to schedule an emergency appointment and possibly have to spend much more money by taking care of a problem that didn't need to become a problem if only I had done the maintenance.
Think of your relationship as the important part of your life it is. Don't expect it to just "take care of itself." It needs some tender-loving care. Do regular check-ups and tune-ups. Make certain you are on the right track with each other. Why give your relationship less attention than you would your car?
Make today the day you want it to be!
Unleash the power within you.
Kim Olver
Feature Article
Relationships of Possession
by Kim olver
How many times in a day do you use the word “my” to describe a particular relationship you have with someone in your life? For example, you might say “my husband,” “my child,” “my friend,” or “my parents.” While the possessive pronoun “my” helps to explain certain relationships, it can actually create problems in our minds when we begin to believe that people actually “belong” to us.
I have heard spiritual teachers discuss the concept that we really don’t own our possessions in this life. We can’t take them with us when we go. Certainly, we can collect “things” that have value, either financial or sentimental, throughout our lives. Some treasured belongings we may have for a very long time. Other possibilities are that our possessions become lost to us due to a disaster, such as a fire or flood. Sometimes our things are taken from us when someone steals from us. Sometimes we give away valuable possessions because it helps another and makes us feel good in the process. Occasionally things are simply lost or even broken.
The idea is to understand that our possessions are not really ours to keep forever. We become the object’s guardian while it is in our possession until such time as it is passed on to someone else. This can be a very healthy way to view our relationship to the things in our lives. It helps us recognize our responsibility to take good care of the things we possess, as well as understand the transient nature of possessions. Nothing is forever. This way if you lose something or have it taken from you, you can recover quickly by reminding yourself that ownership was merely transferred to someone else for the time being.
I’m suggesting it would be most helpful to begin to think of the loved ones in our lives the same way. The people we have come to think of as “ours” are merely on loan to us for a particular time. We have our parents for a time, our children, our friends and our significant others.
Can you begin to think of these people as gifts in your life, instead of yours to own? If we let go of the false belief that people “belong” to us, then we can be much more forgiving and accepting when they move away from us for whatever reason.
Your parents will die. It is part of the life cycle. If you are invested in holding them close always and in thinking of them as yours to keep, then you might become angry and feel betrayed when it is their time to go. However, if you think of them as life teachers whose job is done, then it can be easier for you to allow them to transition without a sense of panic on your part.
If and when “your” children make decisions that go against what you believe they should do, then you will become angry and hurt that they were not more considerate of your feelings. Instead, if you think of them as mysterious, wonderful children who were given to you for a time to pass on your knowledge and experience to, then when they begin to make independent decisions, you can view that behavior with pride, as opposed to a sense of loss.
When “my” son joined the army and went to Iraq, I could have chosen to guilt him into not doing it so I wouldn’t have to worry. I certainly didn’t want him doing anything dangerous. After all, I had spent his whole entire life trying to protect him and here he was making decisions that put himself in harm’s way! How dare he! It was only when I came to the understanding that this young man really didn’t belong to me. He was his own person, with his own purpose, and his own independent will. Once I embraced that idea, I could let go of my possessiveness and encourage him to be all that he wants to be.
Now for the hard part. I had a person write to me today from myspace—someone I had not spoken with before. He told me his story. He had been married once and was deeply in love. His wife wanted a divorce so he gave it to her but he still loved his wife. Then, he met another woman who really loved him. They were talking about getting married but he realized he still loved his wife so he tried to reconcile with her. She wanted nothing to do with that so he married this second woman. They had a happy marriage for about 12 years but then divorced. He then met a third woman and they fell in love. They had a great relationship for about a year and then she decided she needed to go her own way. He was lamenting the fact that he was unable to find lasting love with one woman. Now, admittedly, I haven’t heard his whole story but what I heard was that he had at least three meaningful loving relationships in his lifetime which is way more than many of us get.
The problem comes when we decide we own another person and have not only the right, but obligation, to bind them to us, even when the person we love wants to go. I certainly believe in trying to work out your differences in your relationships and I’m not advocating just giving up without trying. But, what I am saying is that we don’t get to hold a person in a relationship against his or her will. Graciously allow your loved one to go, realizing he or she was never “yours” in the first place.
We do not own people. Instead, thank him or her for freely sharing your life for the time he or she did. Be grateful for the opportunities, not resentful it has ended. When one relationship closes, it is time for introspection and preparation for the next person who graces you with his or her presence.
About Kim OlverKim Olver is a life coach and public speaker who has a graduate degree in counseling, is a National Certified Counselor and a licensed professional counselor in two states. She has worked in the helping profession since 1982 and has spent her entire life helping people get along better with the important people in their lives. Kim works with couples, parents and children, and individuals seeking to improve their lives. Check out her coaching packages. |
Click here to read some of Kim's other articles
Quote of the Month
If you approach relationship challenges with the attitude there is something
to learn--and you can learn it--then your chances of producing
successful relationships are greatly increased."
Layne and Paul Cutright, Straight From the Heart
This quote actually reinforces what I said in my message. You have a much better chance of maintaining a healthy, happy, successful relationship when you approach that relationship with curiosity about your mate and yourself. It is not advisable to enter into a relationship with another believing you have all the answers. When you do, you tend to be judgmental of everything that doesn't support your already solidified belief system. Every relationship is different. Every partner is different and you, yourself, are different in each relationship in which you choose to engage. Become a student and you will increase the probability that you will learn what is necessary to consistently deepen the level of intimacy with your partner.
Book Review
Spirit-Centered Relationships: Experiencing Greater Love and Harmony
Through the Power of Presencing
by Gay Hendricks & Kathlyn Hendricks
While I enjoyed this book and found great application to my own relationship, I don't think it speaks to all couples in the same way. Gay and Kathlyn speak of their own relationship, which is a very spiritual one. The practices they recommend in this book are also spiritual in nature. Couples who are not on a spiritual path and who are not interested in raising their consciousness level may not benefit from this book.
That being said, however, I would recommend this book to any individual, whether in a relationship or not, who is on a spiritual journey. It provides insights and relationship practices designed to honor and respect you and your partner as spiritual beings and to hold your relationship in high regard.
Tip of the Month
In line with this month's article, I am recommending that you begin to understand the transience of relationships. There is a saying that says, "People come into our lives sometimes for a reason, sometimes a season and sometimes a lifetime." If a relationship you want to last a lifetime turns out to last only a season or be for a specific reason and that reason passes, then learn to be graceful about letting it go. No amount of begging, pleading or bargaining is going to change it. Look for the beauty in your memory of the relationship. Focus on the pleasure and happy times. Cherish them. Allow them to stay with you but give the person your blessings to move on as he or she sees fit. Focus on the lesson and/or the gift of your relationship.
When you hold on to a relationship that's over, you can develop serious resentment and anger that will poison you and your life from the inside out. Recognize that no relationship is meant to last forever. Stop fighting the moment and let be what is. It will be, with or without your permission, so why fight it?
Relationship Q & A
Question: What do I do if I am attempting to implement the caring habits in my relationship with my husband and he is still using the deadly habits?
Answer: This is a great question and one that I get asked from time to time. The point of "Relationship Empowerment" is to take control of those things you have control of--namely your own behavior and thinking. You can't MAKE your husband use the caring habits and harping on him to do so only means you aren't using the caring habits either.
If you have a commitment to do all in your power to improve the overall quality of your relationship, then you need to focus on what you are willing to do regardless of what your husband does or how he responds. If you only implement caring habits because of what you think it will get you, then you are doing it for all the wrong reasons. Use caring habits because it is the way you want to treat your husband, it is good for your relationship and you are being the person you want to be.
Workshops
Click on the links for more information and to purchase
Self-Development
with Choice Theory
July 21 - 25, 2008 - Chicago, IL
August 4 - 7, 2008 - Bloomington, IL (only 4 days, Mon-Thurs)
October 6 - 10, 2008 - Chicago, IL
4 1/2 days - Monday - Thursday 9:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
Friday 9:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.
The Basic Intensive Week in Choice Theory and Reality Therapy is a 4 day or 4½-day workshop where you will be exposed to some highly innovative ideas of Dr. William Glasser. You will learn the new psychology of personal freedom called Choice Theory. There is application in this workshop for teachers, school administrators, counselors, therapists, social workers, business managers, clergy, nurses, parents, and anyone interested in improving the quality of their life. You will learn how to empower yourself by distinguishing between those things you can control and those you can’t and focus your energy on those you can. There is practical advice about how to improve the important relationships in your life and how to become the person you want to be. This workshop helps you become more effective in counseling and teaching others, particularly those who may not even know they need your help—non-voluntary clients and less than enthusiastic students. The group size is kept small enough that you will receive individual attention and have plenty of time to have your questions answered.
Relationship Empowerment
October 7, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
So often, couples get stuck in a rut where each individual is waiting for the other to change their ways. In this workshop, participants will learn to engage in the seven caring habits by following the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Gender differences in relationships will be explored. Participants will learn the three possible relationship choices. Participants will learn a negotiation strategy so both partners win. People will leave knowing that they have the power to change their relationships regardless of what their partners do.
Empowerment Parenting
October 6, 2008
Chicago, IL-- Prairie State College—Matteson Center
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. CT
$29.00 (Bring your partner or a guest for free)
This workshop helps parents to understand the psychology behind what is happening with their children at various stages. Parents will learn how to align themselves with their child’s resistance for increased cooperation and compliance. Parents will learn how to sacrifice what they want now—strict compliance, for what they REALLY want—a responsible, caring, child who is capable of making rational decisions. Empowerment Parenting teaches parents simple skills and strategies for helping their children successfully make it through the challenging phases of their lives. Parenting children is no easy task. They don’t come with an instruction manual. Times are different that when your parents parented you! Empowerment parenting shows parents how to compromise and negotiate with their children as they gradually increase freedom as their child demonstrates the responsible behavior to handle and appropriately manage that freedom. This is a challenging way to parent. It is truly parenting for the 21st century. Those who have learned these strategies have been amazed at their results. Their children became more honest with them. Their children became less argumentative. Their children asked for their advice on solutions to their challenges in life. The parental rewards of Empowerment parenting are astronomical!
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